Callum Williams has been brought up in a small coastal village on the Gower Peninsular in South Wales. He is the only child of Phil and Catherine Williams who are two loving and supportive parents and they are a close family. That is until Cullum's father is killed in a tragic road accident when Callum was just 15 years old, and he and his mum battle to carry on their lives despite the big hole left by their loss.

Callum befriends two surfers Holly and Ben after a tough time adjusting to life without his best friend and father, and the three of them go through the formative years between GCSEs and University together. The three are close, and dream of travel, and they get a taste of this on a coming of age surf trip to Cornwall, which is their first without parents, and the heady mix of surf, romance, drink and experimentation make for a special trip. This is added to by the friends and people they meet on their journey and the trip seems to have come at a cross roads in their life when they leave childhood behind and head off to their different Universities.

Callum moves in with an eclectic group of people in Southampton and with there being no surf for over one hundred miles in any direction he embraces the new friends and lifestyle that is on offer in this maritime City. That is until March 2020 when Callum makes his way back home to Wales to protect himself from the pandemic and by so doing unwittingly brings the virus back with him and infects his own mother, with tragic consequences.

Callum has the virus himself and has to deal with the death of his mum and the part that he played in it, whilst suffering horrendous dreams and hallucinations that the virus has cursed him with. His symptoms make it hard to distinguish between reality and fiction and he is tormented not only in his waking hours but also during his sleep.

Cullum's decline is exacerbated by his self-isolation, brought on by a mixture of pride and guilt and with alcohol his only instant fix, he becomes lost in his own isolation and begins to cut those that love him out of his life. It is also Cullum's pride that costs him his true love Charlotte, whom he met in Cornwall and subsequently continued to see in University. A huge sense of loyalty to his friend Holly in her hour of need cost him his relationship with Charlotte, whom he didn't try and win back despite the misunderstanding that took place.

Callum is saved when Holly and Ben arrange for Callum to stay with Nathan in Cornwall, whom they met and stayed with during their road trip the previous year. Nathan himself recovering from loss, is a mentor to Callum and slowly brings Callum out of his malaise and back into the place that he had left. It is hard for Callum, and there continue to be dark moments, but when Charlotte who he had locked out of his life, reappears, it brings hope and happiness back to his life and they embark on an exciting journey together.

Sample Chapters

Chapter 8

We headed up to Constantine in good spirits and played some blasting music to get us in the mood and pumped up for the surf ahead, we had heard that Constantine holds really big swell but is a difficult wave and that you probably are best advised to go where the locals are located. As we drove into Constantine we were taken aback by the size of the houses, on the face of it we were travelling down some small rickety country lanes that if at home would have ended up passing a couple of rickety old farms and culminating in a car park on the beach. Constantine however had some serious wealth, and some seriously big houses and we gazed open mouthed at some of them. These were either wealthy locals or very wealthy second home owners and I had a feeling it was a mixture of both. We managed to park in a field charging £5 a car and got changed into our suits. Holly was back to stripping bollock naked in the car park again after being a little more modest at the busy beaches of Fistral and Croyde, which was a welcome return to normality.

The beach was lovely, quite big and arching around to a headland in the North making a majestic crescent shape. We saw straight away that this was going to be a different experience for us due to the shape and terrain of the beach, seemingly half sand half rock bottom and the shape of the beach made the location of the waves quite deceptive on the eye, and it was hard to see the location where the surfers out the back had actually paddled out from. Anyway, we took the advice we had been given and paddled out to where the best surfers were as these would invariably be the locals who knew this break best. The waves looked quite big and towards the upper limits of what we were used to surfing but we were confident and excited paddling out, however, after our first duck dive of one of the medium sized waves that were blocking our path to the outside, we knew that this was going to be different to home. The power and intensity of the waves shook you to the core when you went under them and we all struggled to wrestle hold of our boards as we were pounded by this intense and raw swell. As we classed ourselves as competent surfers with illusions of becoming very good surfers there are certain 'no no's' at this cusp of progression and two of these are losing your board when you duck dive under a wave, and the biggest 'no no' of all is not being able to paddle out into the line-up at all because you have been battered into submission by the oncoming waves. As far as I was concerned, as tough as it was, neither of those things were going to happen to me today if 'sponsored boy' and 'welsh girl poacher' was out the back, and I was determined that mother nature would not get the better of me today. My dad had surfed a lot when he was younger on big heavy boards that could not be pushed underneath the wave and instead they would Eskimo roll so that the power of the wave would hit the flat surface of the bottom side of the board rather than the human on top of it, This would work to an extent but still saw you having to wrestle with your board to hold on to it, the Aussies call it 'wrestling the crocodile'. Dad would tell me of their challenges in the old days and say that ultimately it is mind over matter, If you are mentally strong and determined you will get through them, there are many people fit enough to get out in such waves but give up just before they see the light that is the outside, that flat water you reach when you are able to take a breath and glory in the moment of success and compose yourself, ready for your wave, and this is exactly what happened to me at Constantine. Having taken the most severe beating of my life by these powerful waves I reached the elixir of the outside and all of a sudden, I had sight of the bobbing black silhouettes of the Cornish locals awaiting the next set. It is at this point when your arms feel like lead weights and it is difficult to lift them out of the water that you have to push that little bit more to make sure that you are beyond the impact zone, as taking a big set on your head when your body is that tired can be the final straw and the moment that you head back to the beach. However, I was in no mood to quit now and managed to paddle the last twenty metres and just about push myself up to sit on my board. I took a breath as the locals turned and dipped their heads as if to say 'welcome' I reciprocated then took in my surroundings and took a well-earned rest.

I looked behind me for Ben and Holly but all I could see was crashing white waves and the powerful spray coming off the top of the waves, creating showery rainbows assisted by the offshore breeze. I hoped they would get out the back with me, but new it was going to be tough for them. Holly always said it was harder for her to duck dive under the water as she had two floating devices strapped to her chest, "they are not that fucking big love" Ben would joke, but it was not often that Holly didn't get out, as she was a very strong swimmer and didn't easily scare in the water. Ben was not that physically strong but his lack of weight meant although he would get knocked back a bit by the waves his slightness benefitted his paddling so in between breaking waves he made a lot of ground up, whether he got out today was going to be down to whether he really wanted too.

It took a few minutes of recuperation for my muscles to bounce back to their normal state and an air of composure and clear thinking come over me, I was using this time to see how the waves behaved and where to take off on them, and who were the good guys that you did not want to be competing with for waves. I gave up a few waves, as when surfers are on the inside of you it is good etiquette to let that surfer have the wave, as he or she is in position, at least that's the way it works at home but we had heard tales of the dog eat dog nature of surfing in Cornwall where competitive surfing in every sense of the word is much more widespread. However, I was going to stick by principles passed down to me by people I admired and looked up too so I was letting people have their waves. Then all of a sudden, I seemed to be the guy in the spot, it was my turn. You just hope at these times that a set of waves comes through before everyone else comes back out and starts jockeying for position with you and come a set did. It looked really big and as we had thought earlier, it was on the upper end of our experienced size. I let the first wave of the set go by and someone further in took off on it. The next wave had my name written on it and I turned and started paddling checking obsessively that I was in the correct spot, I did not want to be too far out as is the danger with big waves as you are subconsciously fearing it breaking on your head, no I needed to be brave, I needed to commit and not let this one pass me buy. As the off shore breeze started to flutter the feathers of the top of the wave, I took off slanting across to the right to make sure I got across this wave and not let it break on me. As I rose to my feet, I knew that I was in good shape, This wave was breaking across the beach from left to right which we call 'pealing' rather than breaking in one motion which is called dumping and obviously reduces the length of your ride on the open face. As I felt the speed and the power of this wave through my bottom turn, I looked down the line and saw that this wave was going to give me a long ride and I must not fuck it up. I rose up to my first turn and carved my board off the top of the wave conservatively, and descended back down to the bottom, looking up and assessing my next move, when I saw someone paddling into the wave some 5 metres ahead of me, I gave this guy the equivalent of a car horn which is to shout "yo" very loud, and is a polite way of saying " Don't even think about it mate, get your own wave". As the guy suspended his paddling, I snapped off the top of the wave better than I had ever done before and Gave the on looking surfer a face full of spray from my fins which is the surfing equivalent of pushing someone's face into your faeces. This would have felt good at any time but when I saw that the recipient of my artistry was Ollie, it felt even sweeter, to top things off and confirm this as one of the best waves I had ever ridden, I continued to rip across , up, down and sideways throughout this wave until finally coming to a climatic crescendo as the wave closed in, right in front of, you've guessed it, Holly.

I tried to look nonchalant as I came off my board next to her but I could feel that my face was saying "did you see that wave, did you see me spray your boyfriend with my faeces, Did you"? "Great wave Cal" Holly said completely genuinely because that was the kind of person she was, and the kind of person I wanted to be, and hoped I was. "thanks, Holl, where's Ben"? "I don't know I think he is ahead of me somewhere". "I am struggling to get out!" "If we can get through this little section, it's not too bad "I lied but as I said, it is very much psychological." Come on let's get out together" I insisted. This seemed to give Holly that extra determination and in about five minutes we caught site of open water and I turned to Holly and said " come on lets go for it" and she whizzed past me and was out the back sitting on her board within a minute, and as I reached her I could see that paddling across to her was Ben so the three of us were together with big smiles on our faces and adrenalin pumping through our veins.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see someone paddling over to us and it turned out to be Ollie, he paddled over to me first and not Holly. "great wave mate" he said genuinely giving me a fist pump, "thanks "I said feeling guilty about my previous thoughts on Ollie. "thanks for pulling out of it" I said graciously. " no worries, I wouldn't have even paddled for it if I knew someone was on it, You must have been quick to your feet cos when I looked it was an empty wave and all of a sudden you were there, sorry again mate" , "that's no problem, the waves are good aren't they"! "yes, I thought they would be, wind is right, that's why I asked you guys to come up, are you alright guys" he said looking at Ben and Holly. "yes, great" they said in unison. I felt bad for having the feelings that I did yesterday and this morning and I think I learnt a lesson that day, one that I think dad would have been pleased about.

Even better than my cathartic experience was the fact that Ben and Holly had amazing waves as well and we all came out of the water both tired and exhilarated. We walked up the beach and road to the car park, along with Ollie and a mate of his Louis and we talked about the waves and where would be best to go tomorrow. We had marvelled at Louis surfing ability in the water as he was catching all the great waves and it turned out he was the best local around and sponsored by Rip curl which is a very famous Australian wetsuit and clothing manufacturer. This impressed Ben and me greatly and we got talking to Louis who was a really nice guy. It turned out that unlike Ollie, Louis had been to our peninsular a couple of times on training weekends with the English surfing team. He talked highly of our home which endeared him to us and he suggested that we all grab a drink and food at a pub a couple of miles up the road that serves good cheap food, which we duly agreed too.

It was a cool pub and we managed to get a table outside that fitted the five of us around, plus the three other friends of Louis and Ollie that turned up later and we had a great time, Holly and Ollie were sitting next to each other and laughing and giggling but It was not having the same negative effect as it had on me earlier, and I was pleased that I had overcome my insecurities. Everyone was getting on very well, with us all having a lot in common and we were all, like minded. Louis then announced that he was having a bit of a gathering that night at his house as his parents had gone away on holiday. He lived in a place called Morgan's Porth not far from Newquay and he said for us to come around about 8pm if we fancied it. The three of us looked at each other in agreement and we said, "yes, cool, what do we need to bring?" "Burgers and beers and whatever else is your thing" Louis said mischievously. "You can put your tent up in the garden if you want" said Louis. "it'll save you a few quid and you won't have any worries getting home". "Are you sure", Holly said gratefully. "yes, no worries", Ollie looked more pleased than anyone with the arrangement and added, "we are going surfing in Watergate tomorrow morning which is just up the road from Louis, so it will work well". After our food and a couple of beers we headed back to the campsite and took down our tent and settled up with the farmer then made our way back across the other side of Newquay via a supermarket for our supplies.

While Ben and Holly were in the supermarket, I rang mum as I had not spoken to her since my call confirming that we had got here in one piece. Mum was fine but she politely asked if I could ring her every day as she was just not used to me not being home and was worried sick about me. "I am fine mum; we are having a great time and it is very safe down here". "all the same if you could find two minutes to let me know that you are ok, it would make your old mum feel better" she said. "sorry mum, of course I will, it's just that the days have gone so quickly ""I know darling, I am glad you are having a good time, ignore me" she said insincerely. "Rachels here, have a quick word with her". "Hi Cal "said Rachel, it was lovely to hear her voice and I realised how much I loved Rachel when I heard her homely welsh accent. Being away from home seems to heighten the emotional attachments that you have at home and I wanted to see and hug Rachel on hearing her voice. "Are you having a good time" "yes its awesome Rache" "not too good I hope, Danny has got his face down to the ground thinking of you having all that fun". "tell him the surf is pumping and that it is amazing down here" "I might let you tell him that when you get back". "How is Ffion Rache"? She is fine, slept through the night for the first-time last night so I came round to tell your mum". "cool"! " anyway I will give you back to your mum, love you Cal" " Love you too Rache" " You go and have a good time now Cal, and be careful, right" " ok mum, I love you" " I love you too boy", I could hear mums voice breaking up a bit as we said goodbye and I felt that nauseous feeling of loss well up in me again.

I was snapped out of my malaise by Ben and Holly coming across the car park with a shopping trolley full of goodies and giggling and laughing with each other, the mere site of them both made me smile and I realised that I had a little bit of home alongside me to keep me safe and I realised at that moment how much these two meant to me. "Beer, burgers, cider, Vodka, crisps, chocolate, oh and milk and cereal for the morning" announced Holly proudly, "any fruit" I requested sarcastically, "I think there are some dark fruits in the cider, so fuck off" said Ben and we all laughed out loud.

We got to Louis quite early to put up our tent, and were delighted to see this amazing house whose garden looked directly down a valley to the sea, it really was amazing. Louis was very welcoming and told us where to put the tent and even helped us get all our stuff sorted out, he really was a genuinely nice guy. We learnt later that he travelled a lot surfing and it was the welcome and goodwill of others on these trips that had moulded his behaviour to us, as he saw us as visitors on a surf trip and it was his role to host, and we offered to reciprocate if he was ever back down our way.

The four of us sat around our tent having a beer and a smoke before anyone else arrived and we had a great hour or so together, then a few people arrived followed by another 5 people later on and everyone seemed to gather around our tent even though there was a million pound house that we could have been in twenty meters away. Ollie was one of the last to arrive and it was actually good to see him, what a change around in 12 hours. Ollie spoke with all his friends and cracked a beer open with them before slowly making his way towards us and to his ultimate goal, 'Holly'.

I didn't want to be a jealous spoil sport so I mingled with some other guests and Louis introduced me to Charlotte who was from Newquay and a surfer herself, she was 18 as well and was just about to start uni the same as us. I told her I was going to Southampton and she told me that she was going to Bournemouth and that they were not that far away from each other. I knew they were both on the south coast but Charlotte said she thinks only about 40 minutes apart, we discussed the courses that we were about to do and our A-level results etc. We then moved away from last weeks A level results and next month's life changing moves, and talked about our day today, and what we were going to do tomorrow. I liked that about this group of people they weren't looking too far ahead, they knew this was the freest time of their life, and they did not want to put any restrictions on this freedom by looking ahead any further than they had to. Charlotte and I got on really well, she liked my accent and I hers, She asked me in a Welsh/ Indian accent " How is life in the valleys then boyo" and I reciprocated with " Not bad my Cornish Pasty, how's life being a pirate" in a far more convincing West Country accent. She laughed and said " I don't think anyone's called me a Cornish pasty before" " really, I find it works well for me, In fact it is a mystery that I am single isn't it" I said self- deprecatingly, She laughed again and this time touched my arm as she did so, self-deprecation you see, always a winner, with the kind of girls that I want to meet anyway.

The night went on and was great, we had some music playing through Bluetooth speakers and later on I got my guitar from the car and we passed that around as a couple of us played, but myself and Holly were the only ones who could actually sing, and play, so it was us two that were passed the guitar more often than not. I played a couple of songs I like that aren't mainstream and everyone liked them, but had not heard of them and then Holly and I played a few Ed Sheeran songs and we did a duet of Galway girl that everyone else joined in on and was great. Best of all though, I think Charlotte was impressed, she sat very close to me later that night when I was sat alone rolling a cigarette, "so are you and Holly together then", "no" I laughed with incredulity, "just good mates" I reassured her. "did you used to go out or something" "no, never, why do you ask"? "oh, it's just you look close, that's all". "We are" I said looking into Charlottes eyes, I saw the look in her eyes that she wanted to kiss and so I leant forward and closed my eyes and my lips were met by the warm wet lusciousness of hers. Our lips, mouths. and faces seemed to be perfectly in sync as we kissed, and she felt sensational, so much had she entranced me that I had lost all self-consciousness and I was snapped out of my ecstasy by Holly walking around the side of the house and almost straight into us. "Oh! Sorry" said Holly with a startled look on her face. "oh Hi" said Charlotte, I love your voice, you were amazing playing earlier". "Oh, thanks, Holly stuttered out" "you two ok? I was just going to get a drink from the fridge" "yes we are cool" said Charlotte, and Holly shuffled past awkwardly, and went into the house. She must have left the house a different way as she did not come back out past us.

Charlotte and I kissed and talked for a while longer then went and joined some others who were still congregated around our tent, We were greeted by a couple of jeers and wolf whistles on our return and Charlotte and I held hands and giggled and she pulled me closer to her which was lush. I looked at Holly who I thought was smiling a bit uncomfortably but by this time she was in the arms of Ollie and she kissed him on the lips slowly which I think would have killed me the night before but with Charlotte holding on to me it was manageable.

We all stayed up for a while longer and people slowly started to drift away and Charlotte and I sloped off into the house with Louis shouting after us "keep out of my room you two, use one of the spare bedrooms Charlotte". She turned around and gave Louis a thumbs up and he stuck two fingers up at her smiling. Charlotte and I cuddled and kissed for a while and fell asleep. We woke up at sunlight as we had not thought to draw the curtains and Charlotte looked absolutely beautiful in the morning hue, a real natural beauty, I cuddled her warm body and after some long delicate kisses we made love in the morning sunlight. Afterwards I lay on my back with Charlottes long curly hair on my chest and I felt like a real man. We could hear some movement downstairs and we decided that I would go down first to save our blushes.

I sheepishly walked into the kitchen and saw Louis and Ben drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette just outside the back door. "Morning guys" I said through one half opened eye. "morning big man, said Louis" "Morning shagger said Ben" and they both laughed and I had a smile on my face that I was having a problem removing. "where did you sleep Ben"? "I was sofa surfing in the living room, Holly wanted a bit of privacy in the tent I think". "what do you mean"? "well I went to go to sleep in the tent but as I approached there was some moaning and groaning going on so I left them to it". My heart sunk briefly at the thought of Ollie having sex with Holly but I quickly came to my senses and with my own physical euphoria not completely out of my system yet, I was in a good place to cope with it. I am not so sure Ben was feeling so secure though with both me and Holly seemingly getting laid. "We are going to Watergate this morning Callum; do you fancy it" said Louis. "yes, sure, are you up for that Ben"? "fucking right, you may want to go and rattle the tent a bit and wake up the love birds"? I couldn't tell either Louis or Ben but I could not face seeing Holly come out of the tent with Ollie even in my state of post coital euphoria, that was going to be a step to far. "I will just take a coffee up to Charlotte and see if she fancies coming" I said excusing myself of waking Holly and her lover up. "Well I doubt she came last night so she will probably fancy coming this morning" Ben joked. "Ha, Ha" I said back turned to them both.

That morning was pretty cool, by the time Charlotte and I came back downstairs together, Ben and Louis were frying bacon on the outside barbeque and we had bacon rolls before heading to Watergate. "brown or red sauce"? Louis enquired "always brown" I said quoting my dad. " Holly came up behind me at that point and pinched my arse which made me jump, and sort of broke the ice between us " morning shagger" she whispered " morning shaggerette" was my quick reply and we both smiled at each other " Hey you better not have used my sleeping bag " I said smiling " you'll never know" she said smirking mischievously and snatching my bacon roll away from me and winking.

After breakfast about ten of us in 3 cars went up to Watergate bay just up the road from Louis house. A stunning beach surrounded by a very posh hotel and trendy restaurants, not a greasy spoon café in sight. Holly drove me and Ben up and they wanted to know the ins and outs so to speak of my night with Charlotte. Charlotte was in one of the other cars, no doubt having the same kind of shake down by her friends. "So" said Holly, "did you"? "a gentleman never tells" was my reply. "That's a yes if ever I have heard one" said Ben from the passenger seat. Holly looked at me in the mirror slightly more seriously and said "did you"? "can't say" was my straight reply. "what about you and Ollie" said Ben "I didn't cumma knocking cos the tent was a rockin" he said laughing. "yes, course we did" said Holly matter of factly. I felt a rush of blood go to my head and my defence mechanism kicked in and I said "well in that case I better be honest, me and charlotte did it too". "I fucking knew it" said Ben and Holly just smiled, I felt a little insincerely.

Chapter 21

The train home was eerily quiet, I had been in a student bubble for the last few weeks and hadn't seen much of the civilian world, but this was weird, very weird. A usually bustling train carriage was two thirds empty and those that were in there, were keeping their distance with a number of make shift face coverings and masks and gloves. No conductor came around to check tickets and every platform that we pulled up at seemed to have less people on it than the last. Announcements about social distancing came over the tannoy as well as safety advice and hand sanitising facilities. I thought that it was all a bit over the top but looked at passenger's newspapers and saw the headlines that had only one subject, 'Covid' 'Pandemic' 'Corona' 'NHS' 'Deaths'. Was this another case of the media creating news or was this the real thing, the longer the journey went on the more I started to believe that this was serious. This fear was exacerbated when I saw that Donald Trump had said that it was not that big a deal, and that he knew all about these things because his Uncle John had been a 'Super Genius'. "fuck! We really could be in danger here". My growing paranoia was not helped by my post hangover either, I was still feeling rough after the party and I often had bouts of anxiety and panic when hungover, It was as if I was living in a parallel world where all outcomes were negative and dangerous, and I was having a pandemic panic attack. I then thought of my mother's wise words about things never getting as far as the Gower peninsular and she was right, we still had no Waitrose, no mains gas and shit broadband and phone coverage, so on that rational the virus would struggle to get to us, I was over reacting.

I messaged Ben and Holly to see what they were up to, only to discover that they were already home and had been making the most of it by going surfing for the last few days. I pretty much stayed until the weekend so that I could attend the rugby club party but didn't realise that Ben and Holly had gone home at the beginning of the week. I had a few messages from Holly asking when college was closing and when I was going home, but the last few days had been so hectic, I hadn't replied, I just presumed everyone would go home this weekend. After receiving their messages, I began to think that this may not be that bad after all and maybe an opportunity to get in the water with my friends over the next couple of months, they may even cancel college for the rest of the year, who knows? As the train approached Bath Spa station, I put my headphones in and tried to relax and enjoy the journey and I lost myself with the sounds of 'War on drugs' and drifted in a dream like state through the countryside and towns of Wales and the west of England. The gentle rocking of the train taking me homeward was a comforting and calming motion that saw me drift in and out of sleep whilst the music continued in my headphones, waking me up then putting me back to rest in equal measure. I finally came back to full consciousness as we approached Neath and a mere ten minutes away from Swansea and mum. I could see mum eagerly awaiting that first sight of me as I walked down the platform, as she bobbed up and down to find me, and with no more than twenty people getting off the train it did not take long for her to spot me and to start waving frantically to get my attention, I smiled at her excitement and for the love she held for me, and me her. "Oh, it's good to have you back boy" mum said, whilst crushing me to death before I could even lower my luggage to the ground. "you to mum" my muffled voice vibrated from the depths of her coat hood. "I have got Sheppard's pie for tea and Joes ice cream for dessert", "Lush" was my euphoric reply, and if anyone had asked me what I wanted to eat at that moment in time, I would have said Mums homemade Sheppard's pie followed by Joes ice cream. We travelled back to the village, discussing the virus and the potential lockdowns and change that it might bring and although it was all very concerning, I could tell that mum was happy for me to be home and hoped it would be for a while. "well I can't see you going back till September, can you Cal", "I don't know mum, it may pass over in a few weeks mum, who knows". "well I think you should stay home until then, it's just not worth it, they could send you work on the computer, couldn't they"? It was not worth going around in circles speculating on when we will be back to normal, Mum was excited and I did not want to burst her bubble. Mum filled me in on gossip from the village, which she implied was of no interest to her but felt compelled to tell me anyway, "you know john the post? well he is apparently having an affair with Allison Tucker", "Does, Andrew know,"? I enquired of Alison's husband, "apparently not" said mum, lifting her eyebrow slightly, "how the do you know then" I asked in disbelief, "Ann the shop told me". Ann the shop was basically all hardcopy press, social media and visual news all rolled into one mega village media outlet, and be it true or fake news, when a rumour went around the village it would invariably pass through the media mogul otherwise known as 'Ann the shop'." Well I hope that's not true, Andrew is a really nice bloke" I said genuinely which made mum less enthusiastic in her gossip, "he is a lovely bloke, it may not be true anyway, you know what Ann the Shop is like".

That night we ate Sheppard's pie together and talked about what we may or may not be able to do come Monday. We both agreed that we will just have to go with the flow, which was one of dad's sayings. "We have plenty of food, and toilet roll" mum laughed. "Why an earth people were so obsessed with toilet roll, god only knows" she laughed again, "I am more worried about what's going into my body, not what's coming out of it" she laughed again. I was stiff and aching after my journey and was desperate to go to bed, so I kissed mum goodnight as she still chuckled over her toilet roll stories and I went to my own freshly made bed. I will never forget that night as I was possessed by surreal dreams or images in my sleep, a white dot on a black background bouncing slowly and endlessly high up and out of my brain then back down frustratingly slowly then up and across and out of my view then coming back down like a lost satellite in the sky, I was tormented by this white dot playing tricks with me. I awoke in the early hours in a bath of sweat, I wasn't quite sure where I was and indeed who I was, I looked around my room like a stranger and saw nothing that seemed to reflect who I was. "MUM"! I called, as I had always called at times like this, I was panicked, I was hallucinating, or was I? Was I dead? had I ever been alive? I did not know what was real and what was not? was I dreaming or was I awake calling for my mother? or was that someone else, calling for my mother. Then the voice that confirmed that this aching, weak body was indeed alive, " oh good god, your burning up", mums blurred image spoke to me, She ran off to come back with a cold flannel for my head and the back of my neck, " do you feel sick" ? she said as she efficiently got water and paracetamol, broken in half to make easier for me to swallow, " I don't know", " Ok just let the tablets take effect and try and slow your breathing down, You have just got a fever". Mum had said this to me many times during my life and she sat beside me as she always did at such times refreshing cold wet flannels and calming me down. My body hurt so badly I could have cried, it was as if poison had been poured through my body and was infiltrating my joints and bones, I was in such delirious pain, I again questioned whether it was real or imagined. Wild patterns and colours appeared when I closed my eyes and I drifted in and out of sleep or consciousness, I could not be certain of which. Black and white ever decreasing circles started to torment me and I imagined that I was going insane, the circles slowly bounced back and forth like a slinky in slow motion, please make this stop, please. I had had fevers before but this was super charged, physically debilitating and mentally draining and as my mother started to get my temperature down the more panic stricken, I became. I was now becoming more conscious of my surroundings and situation; I was starting to come back into the room and my brain was slowly starting to tick over and question my situation. "I have got the virus mum", I said startled, "don't be silly, you have a temperature, that's all, you are just run down". "my body is in such pain mum; can I have more paracetamol"? "you can't, you only had some 30 minutes ago, just calm down and keep this flannel on your head" she said, now looking slightly concerned. Mum took my temperature and looked sternly at the results," what's the matter mum" I said anxiously, "you have a slight temperature, that's all, now stop panicking, or you will make it worse". I drifted back to sleep, only to wake with a start sometime later, more dreadful, frustrating tormenting dreams waking me up, again making me feel completely disorientated, this time I had to go to the toilet but did not believe that my legs would get me there, mum helped me as I staggered to the bathroom and just about made it to the toilet. As I sat on the toilet with my head in my hands and the whole world spinning, I began to shake uncontrollably, "MUM" I shouted again and she helped me back into bed, but no amount of bed clothes could warm me up and I shook relentlessly under the bed clothes, whilst also sweating which was another unusual sensation. "Mum, I think we should ring a doctor" I pleaded, "they will just say, 'keep his temperature down and keep you hydrated" mum assured me. "But what if its covid mum"? "it won't be, it could be anything" she said with the wisdom of her life experience, but mum's life experience hadn't yet included a global pandemic that would kill hundreds of thousands of people, so I took her assurances quite lightly.

Chapter 33

I asked Nathan if I could take Molly for a surf and he seemed delighted at the prospect as I think she had been pestering him twice as much as she had me, so off we went, both of us with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old girl. Nathan was right about her surfing as well, she was standing up and going across the face and even trying to move the board which was really cute, and it was obvious that Nathan had been truthful to me, he really hadn't done any fucking home schooling during the lockdown. I thought that I would be pushing her into waves and shouting instructions as I had had to do with Danny, but not a bit of it, She was in fact so good that I wish I had taken a board in with me myself as she didn't need my help but just needed me there as a lifeguard. My biggest problem was getting out of the water and it took a promise to take her the next day to finally get her out after nearly two hours, and I knew it was a promise that I was going to be held too, but tomorrow would also be a time for me to get excited about surfing again. After handing Molly back to Nathan and laughing about her surfing ability, and probable lack of ability to read and write anymore, I headed back to the cabin, " I left something at the bottom of the deck for you" He said, "off the rocks at the south end of the beach in about two hours would be the best time", I looked at him quizzically but he just said, " you'll see what I mean". I looked intrigued, and made my way to the bottom of the deck to find a fishing rod, and a bucket covered by an old cloth that contained a sharp knife and about five peeler crabs, I smiled as it had been a long time since I had been fishing, since dad was alive in fact, but I still knew what to do and after carbing myself up, and two more coffees I headed off to catch dinner.

Walking south across the beach I was beckoned over by Rosie and ben who were having a late lunch at the beach bar, Ben no doubt needing reenergising after another long night with Rosie. "Look out, fish fingers and chips for tea" ben shouted from the terrace, "thank you" I added sarcastically "Come on Rosie, Callum wants our order, we will have three bass and a couple of mackerel please, he continued". "How big would you like the bass"? I indulged him, "A few four pounders will be fine" Rosie chipped in, rolling the R in four. " I am not sure where best to go actually, Nathan said off the rocks over there but I don't know exactly where" I said, hoping for some advice, Rosie stood up and pointed towards the point " My dad always goes just off the point there, it's a sandy bottom there so less chance of losing your tackle" " Last thing you want is to lose your tackle in a sandy bottom Cal" Ben said, looking very pleased with himself, and his dutiful girlfriend laughed at her man's humour. " Thanks for the advice both" I said flicking them a V and heading out to the point, " See you later Cal, We'll bring the chips, you bring the fish" Ben shouted after me and I flicked another V, this time from behind my back and I heard them chuckling together. I took the fact that they were comfortable to poke a little fun at me as a good sign, Ben had been pretty tentative with me on the way down, not quite knowing how fragile I was, so I took his piss taking as a positive sign about my visible mental wellbeing. Out at the point was invigorating, the swell trying to get around the corner was powerful and the breeze more persistent than on the beach, it felt like I had to have my wits and about me and it made me feel alert and alive, in fact ' Stay Alert, Save Lives' would have been a good strap line had it been about fishing on a rocky point and not a global pandemic.

I delicately wove the hook through the body of the soft crab and steadied myself to cast, the swell looked bigger now and I felt briefly sea sick, but dad always told me that rough seas reduced visibility in the water and fish didn't see the line just sensed the bait. I stood on the rocky point of the furthest tip of our small island and felt the spray of the white-water shower over me with every large set, I reeled in to check that the bait was still on, then recast. I have always had mixed fortunes fishing, and never really had the patience for it, but I was enjoying the wildness out here and I suppose there was some kind of primeval, hunter gatherer thing going on because I felt powerful, useful, emboldened. After about forty five minutes there was a gentle tug on the line which I thought might have been a snag on the rocks, but if Rosie was correct and this was a sandy bottom then it might just be, there was another tug this time more urgent, and I lifted my rod to tension and started to reel in slowly, another tug, and this time it took more line. Even though all of the signs were that there was a nice fish on the end of my line, I was still a little sceptical, so started to reel in quickly, quicker than I would think you should, but the more I reeled. the heavier it got, I am going to pull up half a ton of seaweed here, were my thoughts, but as I continued, I could see the silvery glow coming along the surface that was undoubtedly a nice fish. Blood pumping, I steadied myself and realised that I was wholly unprepared for actually catching a fish, I had a rod and bait, bucket and knife but no net to bring it to shore and no quick killing implement to hit the fish across the head with although both a knife and a rock would ultimately do the job, I can't say that either of those options appealed though. As I brought the fish close, its skin glittered and shimmered in the watery sunlight, and it looked magical, this was nature at its most glorious, more than that, it was man against nature, and man was winning, the fish came closer and I was now able to see its true size, maybe 5lb plus, I wasn't experienced enough to know. I pulled it out of the water and its silhouette bucked and kicked under the bright afternoon skies, and I lowered it over my much too small bucket and away from a watery escape route. I lowered my rod to the rocks and stumbled across to the fish with adrenalin running through both our bodies, I picked its wriggling body up and removed the hook to avoid any further discomfort, it was beautiful, the best fish that I had ever caught, Dad would have been so invigorated by this moment and I thought back to what he would have done now if he were here, would he bash the fishes head against a rock or would he pierce the fish through the head with the knife? After a moments reflection and final look at the gift of nature that I held in my hand, I lifted the fish up, staggered across the rocks, and threw this gift of the sea back in to whence it came, and I lay on my back on the rocks looking up to the sky and smiled at my dad.